Today I woke up and braved the shower in the basement with a canopy of spiderwebs, put on black leggings under jeans, three shirts, one sweater, arm warmers and a pea coat and tupperware lunch in hand drove to work. So easy, the drive. It’s a straight shot, turn left, turn right and bam there the office be. I still missed it even though I got there yesterday fine, and found myself passing a Catholic cemetery and realized I’d gone too far.
Listening to Alexi Murdoch…he’s telling me he’s on the edge of some great truth, finally in his place.
I miss that. It seems each day which separates me from Albion provides another glimpse into the way that it shaped who I am. And how I feel like I’m on a one way street, driving parallel to my true path. Everyday I head to work I rack my brains for another reason to enjoy what I’m doing. To turn negatives into positives, to take this experience and suck it dry. I turned around and turned into the non-descript office building and made it to work three minutes early, and proceeded to create busy work for myself for the next forty-five minutes.
I’m going in the right direction. I’m certainly moving. Adding to my resume and skill set, putting pieces to the puzzle of what I want to do with my life. But growing increasingly uncomfortable being aware that this is not the right fit for me.
Finally, I was able to do some training and then our office’s lobbyist arrived. I need to back up for a moment to give you a real picture of who this man is. Mind you, my campaign back in Ann Arbor is to pass the federal climate and energy bill. I get paid an extra bonus each day that I bring in 18-24 letters urging Michigan senators to strengthen and support this bill. The office here in Fort Wayne opposes this legislation. I heard this man speak at canvassers conference-personally I found it hard to see past his aggressive sarcasm and blatent loathing of corporate america to the true nature of the bill. It was this man that arrived to speak about nuclear weapons. He gave the same presentation he gave to some political body considering nuclear weapons. Of course in his words, it boiled down to investing our economy in nuclear and restarting the cold war. Not that he doesn’t have valid points. But his slanted perspective makes it difficult to consider his words.
I have been volunteering four hours a week to our campaign back home. And now I am committed the next three weeks to gathering letters demanding Indiana senators and our president withdraw their support from the same legislation. Hypocritical much?
But it gets better–the last few days, working on a completely issue that I have no investment, that if anything I have reason to disagree with, I have raised an outrageous amount of money. My fundraising efforts have been so successful that I have astonished and impressed each member of the staff, including the regional director of the umbrella corporation of canvassing offices across the US. The director here, after giving me a hard time about having the wrong position about this bill, commended me for my canvassing skills. In her words,
‘If you can canvass both sides of an issue, you know that you are a good convasser.’
To me, if I can canvass both sides of an issue it tells me without a doubt that my success has everything to do with my abilty to smile and charm the pants off whoever opens the door and looks me in the eye, and nothing whatsoever to do with my connection to the cause.
Tonight was staff night, as every thursday has been for the past thirty years in canvassing history. We went over to the office manager’s house and played poker in her garage. The office manager is the founder of Save Maumee, she has incredible random knick-knacks around her house, including the skull of an enormous sloth, an oven plastered in grassroots bumperstickers, and pictures of her son everywhere. In the garage as we listened to anything heard at woodstock and I learned poker on a long card table covered in-you guessed it–a tie-dyed table cloth as we passed around a joint and chugged beer.
I had fun. But it didn’t fit. And here’s why. On the way home I asked Mary, my boss that I’m staying with–who mind you I have everything in common with–(we both love the same murder mystery novels, studied abroad in Africa, spent time in Albion and the coincidences keep coming)–if she loved canvassing immediately. She said yes. And again the disconnect.
I don’t love it. It works. Just like Mary and I aren’t immediate friends just because we have a lot of common interests. Just like I don’t smoke pot anymore and they all wonder why. They can sense it too-as I question them about their passion and try to absorb their enthusiasm, they can sense that I am not enthralled by this grassroots organizing or impassioned by damning the man. Who would’ve thought? Turns out I’m really not a hippie guys. Took me to be surrounded by vegan pothead green loving quirky fabulous people to realize I have too many pairs of shoes and wear too much mascara to be a hippie. And I’m ok with that.
Again…it took me a while to put this into words. It still feels like nothing much is goin on with me. All thats happening is that I’ve figured out that nothing is happening. As always, I miss you all.
on est ensemble,
Alexandra Marie
