I looked at my last post and I am appalled that memory is the last one I have shared in this space. I am long overdue, but what else is new. Turns out plenty. How many revolutions of change and self-actualization I’ve experienced since New Years is unfathomable.
Things have come full circle. One year ago at this time I was almost in the exact same spot–literally and figuratively. Just a few streets away in downtown Ann Arbor. Recent college graduate, starting training at my new position today. As summer keeps threatening to emerge and bright eyed university students flood the office I keep catching myself in flash backs from last summer. All of my first impressions of this job. I remember speaking to my canvass trainer and being completely astonished that he had worked this job for several years. I couldn’t even imagine working that long at this position. Looking back I don’t know if that was because I viewed it as a short term position or I had never had a full time job before in my life…probably both.
I was lusty for love. I remember enjoying the simple presence of men in my everyday activities, a presence that was sorely lacking at our sorority and college campus. I evaluated each one, qualifying potential for fucking, dating and relationships. And lets not forget the biggest mistake I have ever made in terms of judging men occured right at this moment–thank goodness for womens intuition saving me from more than one intimate encounter with a man who blackmailed his embezzling ex-wife (who gave him US citizenship) with a sex tape. I was a bit more cautious after that…or so I thought.
Time moved quickly and before I knew it the summer was over and I was traveling to different states to escape the duldrums of suburban life living with the parents. And stumbled upon a couple of other opportunities. I never gave proper homage to the man I met in Chicago. Let’s just say that he took the Bible too seriously in its advice to go forth and multiply, and his main technique to unzip my pants was preaching. Whispering sweet nothings about the lord our father in between kisses and dancing hip to hip and cheek to cheek.
Then I was in Indiana for three weeks. And although Fort Wayne is perhaps one of the most boring metropolis’s I have ever visited, it was one of my favorite travels because of the people. I was a shining and rising star in that office–working with a mentor I grew to love and admire greatly and receiving grand recognition for my outstanding performance. Not to mention tapping the ass of a fine young black man that used to box–and that means exactly what you think it means ladies, his abs were quite well defined. And after that three weeks somehow that fling lingered much longer than it was intended to…until he stood me up on valentines day. That makes two years in a row, this is starting to be a tradition that blows. And now he’s in jail. For burglary. I’d say I need to start dating men that are not breaking laws.
Thanks Alexi–sometimes I feel like drowning. Actually its more like most of the time. Full circle, here I am again, subletting and single in Ann Arbor. Next week marks my last full week as a canvasser before I start working four days a week. Today as I took an hour long break I felt relieved as I don’t think I would make it through the summer working full time at a job that is no longer challenging, where the challenge has become how to motivate myself to keep knocking on each door. What happens after August first, the deadling I’ve given my boss? I have no idea.
This past Monday I was ecstatic. Full of bliss. For a multitude of reasons. For one the difficult exhausting weekend was finally over. After a disaster strewn saturday I spent Sunday actually finding a wrench that fit the screws and put my bed together, aided by sexual inuendos about screwing and whatever else we were giggling about. Made my bed for the first time with him inside it, then crawled in next to him. A good amount of time breaking the touch barrier as he calls it, both relaxed as he used my bosom/stumoch as a pillow or wrestling for whatever item he was keeping from me. Driving to Ann Arbor I was high on adrenaline after a stimulating and successful interview. Skated through my long work day with just the right amount of work and fun to keep me occupied and not too concentrated. By the end of the night I was still bouncing up and down off the walls. Walking home to my apartment I was empowered by the ease of living nearby to the office. Living nearby to downtown. I love living close to the pulse of downtown Ann Arbor, walking outside and joining other pedestrians as we go about our business walking our dogs, going to class, exercising and meeting friends for lunch at the delicious sushi place two blocks away.
And yet after another sleepover, which included an encounter between my landlord Joe meeting my completely plutonic friend both shirtless and now creating the impression I have a large muscled lover, I am back to square one. Finally I fall for a man that is going places in life and am stuck forever in the friend zone. But he still calls at night before he goes to bed and squeezes my thigh to say goodbye. Dear sir you are a shameless flirt without any comprehension of gray area. I don’t know whether I’m glad we skipped over a potentially awkward moment in our friendship or pissed that we remain in a gray area. Probably both. At least I didn’t spend my first night here alone after all.
All I know is that I don’t know where I am going to be in three months. I’m waiting for the District Manager of this bank to call me for a final interview. I am determined I’m going to loose weight this summer but this week I’ve binged two nights in a row now and have yet to return to the Y. My room is a mess. I need some woodglue so that my bed isn’t going to fall apart. Two of my best friends just moved far far away, and my only friend right now that shows up consistently is a grey zone friend. And now I’m just whining. But I want to move forward. I want things to change. And I am going to make this a summer to remember in my favorite city in the world right now. Tigers game tomorrow and wine tasting with the parents on Sunday. And this is the slice of life thats going to last until I return shocked and appalled that I’ve procrastinated sharing whatever is happening again. And full circle. What really is keeping me up right now is wondering where I’ll be a year from now. Fearing I’ll come full circle again, no closer to a career or falling in love. I am closer. I know much more about what I want today than a year ago today. And still I wonder, what can I do today and tomorrow and everyday to take one step closer to those goals? And how do I not loose focus or motivation? Just some things to think about. Much better here than running circles in my head before I fall asleep.
Sweet dreams sisters,
Alexandra Marie~
